We’re always torn between who we are and who we aspire to be.
I was a miserable kid, and I grew up to be a cranky adult. That much will not be changing.
But, I always wish to have a higher energy level. To be crunk instead of lethargic.
And so, you can imagine how excited I was to find CRUNKY. The chocolate bar that perfectly fuses who I am with who I want to be: crunk and cranky!
Crunky is a milk-chocolate bar with tiny wheat puffs inside. It smells mildly like those two ingredients. On top, it has a smooth “Lotte” embossing. Lotte is a Korean company and the bar itself is made in Japan.
At the bottom of the bar, you can see this bumpy texture:
Those are the wheat puff showing.
When you bite into it, there is a gentle crunch sound and you feel the texture of the puffs – a bit like Rice Krispies. This bar reminded me of a time (about 10 years ago) when I created homemade chocolate bars by melting chocolate and blending it with puffed quinoa.
The flavour is that of good quality milk chocolate, with a little bit of a caramel taste from those toasted puffs. Everything is light. These flavours are not punchy, and they leave a mild wheat aftertaste.
A mysterious friend of the blog tried some, and claimed they had it before. Another friend of the blog, Chad G. Petey, said that the most similar North American bar is Nestlé Crunch – made with milk chocolate and puffed rice.
Microsoft Azure, AWS, Google Cloud Platform – the Cloud is transforming the world of computing. We use the Cloud. But when I saw the chance to eatthe Kloud I jumped at the opportunity!
Come along this tasting journey with me to find out what is the Kloud? Will my bowels survive it? Have I finally found a ridiculously-named snack that also tastes good?
Reader, this is “The Kloud”:
It’s not a digital server farm somewhere in Utah. It is a “dried pollack snack”. Little dried fish covered in a salty batter.
Opening the pouch, the first thing that hits you is the smell: intimidatingly fishy. Like Asian shrimp crackers but with a stinky garbage finish.
Then, you’re struck by the stingy portion. The bag is less than half full:
The fish nuggets have an anaemic yellow colour, kinda like fries. The outside is made of batter with visible crystals – probably salt or some additive. You can see brown bits of the fish flesh peeking out of gaps in the batter.
When you bite down on one of these you get a very crispy crunch. The fish itself is totally dried so the crunch is from the flesh and bones, not from the batter on the outside (something I actually liked!).
The biggest taste is sweetness – like sweet snack crackers. The fish flavour is very mild. I was looking forward to a funky fish punch, but it never came. Mascarpone cheese is listed in the ingredients but there was no cheese punch either.
Ingredients of Kloud Original flavour. I have no Klue how these ingredients end up tasting soooo sweet.
Unpunched, I went on with chewing down the fish bits. Each piece tastes different depending on its size and fish-to-batter ratio. Small pieces are too sweet and salty. Big pieces are tolerably salty and have a bit more fish flavour.
There is surprisingly little aftertaste. Like a salty little nothing that came and went, just like that (wait… are you that fish snack from Vacation Bible School?)
Eating them with beer:
According to some Kloud pouches, this snack is best enjoyed with beer. So I decided to try out the Kloud Knuggets™ (the ™ is mine, I invented the name just now) with some Sapporo beer. Just in case they are optimized for a great beer experience.
Real Men™ drink from the strawberry cup
Dear Reader, they are not.
Their subtle flavour is drowned by the beer. Which is… good? I guess? If you hate sweet fish crackers?
These Knuggets™ would’ve tasted better with beer if they had more spice or a stronger fish taste.
Verdict
I give the Kloud two fish out of five: 🐟🐟
This treat reinforces the main moral of “Jacob Eats”: you shouldn’t pick your food based on a jokey name. If you want a funky treat to eat with your beer, stick with the tiny dried shrimp you can find at Chinese supermarkets. They’re meant for stir-frying but taste quite good raw*.
* By reading this statement you acknowledge that the author of this blog shall not be held responsible for any food poisoning or gastric parasite infestation you may develop as a result of eating dry, uncooked shrimp.
The food goes in your mouth hole. It slides down the neck tube. Gets pummelled by the stomach muscles. Then it galumphs down the small intestine, spelunks through your large intestine, and PAPOW! that brown, gooey goodness – yes ladies and gentlemen – today I am munching on that Cream Collon.
Dear Reader (hi Mom!), I admit that I’m a fan of Jerusalem Artichokes. They are the roots of a type of sunflower. Here in Toronto, they’re pretty expensive and rare to find in grocery stores. I don’t eat them often.
When I saw a drink made with them I jumped at the chance to try it out.
This drink smells like an old twig. The flavour is a bit like burdock and dry fall leaves. At the same time, the mouthfeel is smooth like water and the flavour itself is too weak to leave any sort of impression. Strangely, this drink would’ve been better if it had a stronger flavour and a thicker texture. This drink is just bad. The only good thing about it is that it doesn’t leave a lingering taste.
In their latest bid to tear the USA apart, evil American oligarchs have decided to make the existence of transgender people the question du jour. (I presume the actual question they’re asking is “should we permit them to exist, or should we start building mobile gas shower units now?”)
Today I’m going to wade into this morass by eating everyone’s favourite genderfluid snack: Chick Boy.
The Pocari is a rare Polynesian bird who’s sweat was a prized elixir in the 1600s.
In our day we’re lucky that we no longer have to chase the bird, cage the bird, run the bird ragged to make it sweat. We can get Pocari Sweat right at the international grocery store!
The visionaries. The mavericks. The dreamers. These are the people who move humanity forward.
And then there’s me. A dude who wants to eat weirdly-named treats and watch the world burn.
For several years I’ve wanted to buy, eat and write about weird snacks like Stik-O and Hot Kid Ball Cake. And then I saw something on a shelf that made me take the leap.
So, today I’ll be tasting a treat called Couque d’Asses and sharing my impressions with you.
