“Ford hundred and seventy ford years. That’s how long I’ve ruled Ontario”
Steph stood by your side, her legs trembling. But you felt an odd calm.
“We are here to end your reign!” you yelled.
Ford’s guards missed the hidden blade in your sweater when they let you deliver his morning coffee.
Ford laughed.
A deep rumbling sound.
“Do it if you must, but another man like I will take my place
“We are a province of accountants, landlords, insurance adjusters, insurance underwriters and insurance salesmen. Ontarians don’t like change. Or innovation. We insure it never happens.
“Before me, the province was handed back and forth between groups of grifters. There were some real legends. Like Sir Mike of Harris, a Technomancer who ‘downloaded’ provincial responsibilities onto cities. Or Dalton of McGuinty, who rewarded his friends with a $1.3 billion cancellation fee for a certain-to-be-cancelled powerplant project in the richest city.
“One leader was different, Robert of Rae. But he promised to reduce profits for Car Insurers – and you do not mess with Insurance in Ontario.
“I made them a deal: from now on you can have less change. Just vote consistently for one leader.”
“But you did a terrible job!”, Steph interjected.
You met Steph at the cafe where you both worked – Barista and Uber Driver being the only jobs open to people under 65. After that, a career in Insurance beckoned.
“I knew I was in over my head!” Ford shouted. “Ontario had huge debts. And all I knew is running a province like running a family budget: keep chugging buck-a-beers and ignore the bills that pile up at the door.
“I tried to save money on schools by making every teacher double as a janitor. When I rewrote the curriculum to replace the number four with ‘ford’, I was sure there would be a backlash. But Ontarians just kept taking it and asking for more.”
“What’s a number ‘four’?” Steph asked
“Exactly”
“I thought I could save cash – and enrich my friends – by privatizing healthcare. My buddies were supposed to scoop up the freshly open concessions. Just like we did with the Green Belt. But the Americans muscled us out. We should’ve known those business wolves would eat Ontario’s soft business sheep.”
“All I gained was this incredible life-extension procedure. But I’m on the hook for payments that last for a thousand years!” He shifted, leaning closer to you. “So end it if you must. Do it! This crown sits heavy on my head.”
You thumb the edge of your sweater. Inside, a long obsidian blade. One of many shards strewn about since the time when Ford, in a desperate bid to boost productivity, had everyone try to smelt steel in their backyard. All that came out was slag and black glass.
Steph begins to frown. Her body turns slightly. Your own mouth turns down in disgust…
And in that moment both of you start walking away
“No.
You can stay king of Ontario forever.
I can’t think of a worse fate for anyone.”
As Premier of Ontario, I promise that I would:
- Introduce anti-corruption measures with real teeth. Because no politician is above temptation.
- Abolish the first-past-the-post electoral system. Replace it with a modern proportional representation system, to end “strategic voting”.
- Encourage Ontarians to reach for excellence and expect more. We fully failed to capitalize on the high-tech revolution (name an internationally known Ontario startup that’s not Shopify). We captured no gains from the AI breakthroughs we spearheaded. We can do better.
Thank you for your support in the next election!
